A declaration

Today I ask you who read this post to bear witness to my words.

I am known as Potia, a name given to me on a journey many years ago and linking me to my beloved Epona, She who is my guide, my guardian and my teacher. I am a daughter of the Great Mare and of the Herd Mothers. To the Herd Mothers, Epona and Rhiannon, I swear to do my best to follow their guidance and to trust them. I have sworn to do my best to serve Epona and I renew that oath.

Last month I was claimed again. To the name I have used for many years I now add another.

I add to my name Nighean a’ Chailliche, daughter of the Cailleach. I have sworn that I will serve An Cailleach to the best of my ability within the boundaries agreed between us. In honour of this oath I will now cover my hair with a scarf or hood when I am praying before Her or serving as Her priest.

I am Potia Nighean a’ Chailliche, sworn priest of the Herd Mothers and An Cailleach.

This is my truth.

The aftermath of a difficult situation

This post will touch on themes some readers may feel are uncomfortable.  In particular the use of restraint for esoteric or erotic purposes – better known as bondage.

I will make it plain here that I have very little knowledge of bondage or any aspect of BDSM practices. The topic came up recently in a druid forum and I need to express some of my thoughts on the situation that resulted.

Essentially a member of a forum I am on brought up the topic of BDSM and bondage in particular in relation to a new practice he was developing that combined aspects of shamanic journeying with light bondage.  He explained something of what he was trying to do and asked if anyone would be interested in learning more.  He framed this topic in a manner that was familiar to him as someone who had been involved in aspects of BDSM for several years.  He posted this in a forum space that was set up for heated discussion and on a board that prides itself on being a “safe” space for members to express their different forms of Druid practice.  I presume he felt that he should be “safe” to introduce this topic and as it’s usually a quiet board leave it for a few days before coming back to see if there were any responses.

Sadly his post was not received well by several members.  Reactions were heated and hostile with one of the worst responses accusing him of breaking the law and causing harm, while another severe response accusing him of trying to solicit sexual partners.

I was frankly shocked by the heat of the responses.

The original poster was asked to clarify his intentions with his opening post and when he didn’t immediately appear to do so there were further heated replies.  This is a board where usual interactions are considered and thoughtful, where it is not unusual to have days between responses and yet there was an expectation that for this topic the poster should be there straight away to respond.

It wasn’t that long before the poster did respond and I felt he did so very well.  He accepted people had been upset and apologised.  He explained himself eloquently in my opinion but still the heated responses continued.  He chose to remove his post as there were several responses on the thread saying it should be removed and that took the responses with it.  Another member tried to start a thread for healing from the situation but that too became heated with members now expressing anger that the thread had been removed even though that was what they had said they wanted.

None of these individuals seemed to give the original poster the benefit of the doubt.  He had been judged and found wanting merely because he had raised a controversial topic and perhaps not phrased things as carefully as he might have done at another time.  But he probably thought he would be safe in this space to raise this without tiptoeing around the subject.  And indeed why should he have to tiptoe around it anyway?

The conflict, and therefore the original poster as the start of the situation, were likened to Islamic radicals and white fundamentalists  in one post, to a murderer in another, just because he had shocked some members of this space.  Some stated they no longer felt “safe” there because of what he had raised.  I’m not sure I feel safe there having witnessed all these heated reactions.  Who will they turn on next and why?

And then there’s my own feelings of confusion over all this.  Did I do enough by witnessing this the way I did?  Did I speak up clearly enough? Should I have said more, done more, to defend this man?  Did he need defending?  Will he feel this space is “safe” for him to continue in.

I do know this person a bit and I know that he has a hard won strong sense of personal identity.  This isn’t the first time he has experienced reactions like this from what I understand so hopefully he will weather the storm reasonably well.

Did I stand by my own principles well enough?  I’m not sure.  I didn’t let my anger and growing disgust at the responses I was reading get the better of me so that’s good.  I did write something in support of the original poster so at least I spoke up to some extent.  Should I have done more?  Realistically could I have done more?  I don’t really know.

I’m not upset by the thought of someone using BDSM practices as part of their own religious practice.  I’m a self diagnosed autistic with sensory needs that mean I often seek really tight hugs and even being pinned down.  It’s not that much of a stretch to go from the feelings of relaxation I get from deep pressure to accepting that bondage can lead to a change in consciousness especially when handled in a way to enhance that sort of effect.  I don’t have a clue how that might look practically but that’s not the point, I can trust that this man knows what he is doing.

I accept other definitions of what it is to walk a Druid path.  I listen to other points of view and think carefully before I respond.  I expected those in the forum this took place in to do the same, to think carefully, to give the benefit of the doubt, to respect alternative practices and views.  I am still upset that so many didn’t do that, that so many didn’t seem to take that step back and seek further information before reaction so strongly.  And at the moment I am less likely to share my thoughts and practices in that space because of what happened.

 

My truth isn’t yours

As a self named Hearth Druid I write about what is close to my heart.  Sometimes that’s a long thought out sharing of part of my spiritual life, sometimes I blurt.  This post is a blurt.

My truth isn’t yours, your truth can never be mine but we can talk about our truths, share them and hope that in sharing something of what we share will help someone else.  Those who know me will be aware I have been having a lot of problems with stress and anxiety over the last few months.  I’m doing much better with that at the moment but I have a secret and I don’t want to hold it in, I want to blurt it out.  I know some won’t believe it but others will.  The more logical part of me will say it doesn’t matter what you believe, the more emotional part of me wants to be listened to and accepted for what I believe I may be.

Enough of the mystery already.  So here goes. I think I am on the autistic spectrum.  This isn’t a sudden thing, it’s been something I’ve been wondering about for a while and the more I have watched my daughter (identified as Aspergers) develop the more I recognise myself in her. I didn’t have this type of recognition with my son (also identified as autistic).  Both my kids are bright, both are on what is described as the high functioning end of autism. Now I am in the process of looking at my own past through different eyes and so much is making better sense now.  I am now on a waiting list for an adult autism assessment.  In the meantime I have spoken to a small number of women also identified late in life as autistic and they have all been very helpful to me. One has known me for several years, one for a couple of years and one is a new developing friendship.  All of them have recognised within me what I have come to see for myself and the affirmation that has given me is wonderful.

I’ve also been able to talk to my beloved partner about this openly and frankly.  I first mentioned the idea of me possibly being on the spectrum to him a couple of years ago and at that stage he’d not long moved in with us and he didn’t think it was likely then.  Now, after living with us for a couple of years and seeing us all in varying moods and situations when I mentioned it to him again a couple of months ago he said he thought it was likely.

Some people will say that everyone has a few autistic traits and that is true but it’s not individual traits that give an identification of autism it’s a pattern of traits.  That pattern can be obvious or subtle but it’s a pattern that means the individual has long term, ongoing challenges with social communication and almost always some more extreme sensory issues.  The pattern has to fulfill certain diagnostic criteria for a formal diagnosis.  I believe my pattern does that but my journey of identification is still ongoing.

Why am I sharing this? Why blurt it out? Because at some level I feel the need to do this.  I don’t want to hide my thoughts and feelings about this in a closet.  I want to be out there, misunderstood maybe but living my truth openly and with pride. I’m not good at keeping things that are so important to me secret, I want to talk about them, write about them, share them. It’s part of who I am and I’ve always done it.  I’ve always shared things with complete strangers that others give me funny looks about but that’s me.  That’s my truth and I feel better for blurting it out.  And blurting it out again, and again and again.

Oh and swaying and rocking are soothing to me so don’t be surprised if you see me doing it more often.  And I’m a tactile person with a need for deep pressure contact – that means I love hugs.  I try to be aware that others don’t like them for varying reasons though.

Through the wall and onwards

In my last post Expectations and feedback I wrote about how I had reached a wall built of expectations of myself concerned with service and commitment on my path as a Pagan. I shared this post on the members site of the Druid Network and I have had a great deal of helpful feedback both here and on the Druid Network members site.  Although I’ve been busy with family this last week I’ve also had time to think about this wall of my making and the feedback I have received.

I’ve managed to make a breakthrough.  Part of it came yesterday when I realized that I would never question anyone about their choice to call themselves a Druid, never suggest that they were somehow less worthy than someone else regardless of what they did, so why do I question myself in this way?

Part of the breakthrough came when I found my Druid certificate from the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids which was granted to me in March 2004 while looking for other things. I’d never really felt comfortable with putting it up for some reason and it’s been hidden for a long while.  It’s a beautiful certificate and yesterday for the first time it went up on the wall in a frame.  I’m laying claim to that aspect of my past again.

In my past I helped to facilitate a druid group now faded into the mists called Caer Clud.  I co-organised a series of conferences for those in the druid path that took place in Glasgow. I’ve held council positions in the Scottish Pagan Federation and I’ve been a legally recognized celebrant. One by one I have moved on from these things as it became apparent that I needed to either because local interests changed or because I lacked the time and energy to continue the commitment as my family commitments grew.  I am proud of what I achieved during those years.  I was a visible face of Druidry in Scotland during those years but that time is past.

Sometimes in life, we develop the tendency to compartmentalize the different facets of our lives, separating out work from home and family, and our spirituality from both areas, but that is not really the best way to live.  Sometimes we do this as a form of self-defence, a way of keeping situations felt in one area of life from swamping other areas.  I’ve been thinking my Druidry needed somehow to be separate from the other areas of my life and of course it shouldn’t be, my Druidry should be woven into all aspects of my life.  My commitments, my services do not have to be separate to the rest of my life.  It’s taken me a while to properly realize and accept this deep down.

My strongest commitments are now to my family.  I’ve cut back on my work hours recently to be more readily available to support my children. My children are, and will remain for several years, the most important commitments in my life.  I also have commitments to and with other members of my family, to my employer and work colleagues and to myself.  My main aspect of service now is being the best mother I can be and that means a constant learning and development process as I learn more and more about the best ways I can support my wonderful children.  For example, I’m currently learning much more about the various sensory issues affecting my children.  I’ve recently learnt that scents can have a much more profound affect on my son that I had previously realized.

In short my primary focus now is hearth and home.  It’s probably going to remain that way for several years.

I am a Hearth Druid.

First Principles

The words of another seeker encouraged me to look at what principles are the most important to me. I had to do some thinking to figure this out but essentially there are three things that have guided me for much if not all of my life. These are Love, Truth and Duty.

The most important one of these for me is Love. If I was to use one statement to illustrate what I mean by this I would turn to the new testament of the Bible and borrow the phrase “Love thy neighbour as thyself”.

Truth is something I seek and try to live by. I do not mean just telling the truth as I see it but walking my talk – or at least trying to – in all I do. To me Truth can be a multi faceted gem, we see maybe one or two faces of it clearly but some is obscured and some reflected. My truth is not necessarily the complete truth or the only truth but in seeking to walk in truth I hope to learn more of others and for others to learn more of me.

Duty is another difficult thing to explain. By duty I do not mean to do my duty as others see it but to do my duty as I see it. To serve to the best of my ability those that I have chosen to serve. To balance my duty to myself with the duties I have chosen to take on for others. Duty and service are closely entwined for me.

These are the principles that I believe have guided me all my life and are likely to continue to guide me in the future.