Musings of a Scottish Hearth Druid and Heathen
Thoughts about living, loving and worshiping as an autistic Hearth Druid and Heathen. One woman's journey.
I am the listener in the darkness.
I am comfort in times of stress.
I am a shoulder to cry upon and a voice to laugh with.
I am a song of grief and pain.
I am the scream of anger and loss.
I am the silence when words can not be found.
I am safety from your fears.
I am the seed of trust reborn.
I am the love of soul’s sibling and heart’s friend.
I have become what I am now.
If you take nothing else from this piece please remember that shit makes good fertilizer.
I’ve said that a few times to different people and in different situations recently and each time it seem to have been words that those listening needed to hear. Life is never easy but the past few years seem to have brought blow after blow to many of us. There are days when it feel like you are struggling uphill through thick sucking mud, other days where it feels something in the universe has dumped a big pile of shit on you. For some it may feel like they are having to carry increasingly heavy loads that they don’t feel they can let go of for all sorts of reasons. Grief, pain, anger and fear buffet us like the winds of an unceasing storm. And it’s exhausting!
And so I remind myself again and again that shit makes good fertilizer. I’ve stuggled in the past, feeling I had to hold my pain and fear in, that I couldn’t let my anger out or express my grief. I was wrong.
I discovered that if I didn’t learn to drop the steaming pile of shit, or at least some of it, I would break down and for a while be buried so deep I didn’t know which way was up. I learnt to cry out my fear, to scream my grief out into the winds. I learnt that if I sever the chains that bound me to my heavy load of anger it would fall and shatter apart like a brittle rock and let out the tears of pain bound within. And I learnt that in release I began to wash away the shit clinging to me with my tears. I didn’t get rid of the shit completely but I was able to dump it on the emotional and spiritual equivalent of a compost heap.
Over time huge piles of shit break down and in doing so it becomes fertilizer that helps new things grow.
Patience, compassion and empathy can all grow stronger from the shit life throws at you. How to hold safe boundaries for yourself and others; what love and trust look and feel like; these things also grow from times when life kept throwing shit at you.
Let your tears flow and wash the shit off you for a bit even if it’s only a couple of minutes. Do it again and again if you need to, and you will sometimes. And breathe, just keep breathing.
And remember that shit makes good fertilizer.
I don’t think I’ve written about the mystical island of Hopeless on this blog before. For those who have never heard of it Hopeless, Maine is the creation of Tom and Nimue Brown and it’s an odd place with a lot of gloomy weather and tentacled beings.
On Saturday 22nd January an online festival of Hopeless Maine things took place called Voices of Hopeless Maine and you can read more about the what and why on Nimue Brown’s blog “Druid Life”. I feel very lucky to have been able to take part in this festival.
The event included poetry, songs, stories, music, videos of wonderful artistic creations and live interviews. Some pieces were written by Nimue Brown, some illustrated by Tom Brown, but many were creations of other artists that have been inspired by the weirdly wonderful place of Hopeless.
My own small contribution was to read a short piece by Nimue called To Ride a Surf Horse. Having watched and listened to the entire festival as it took place I feel incredibly privileged to have had the chance to be included with such a talented group of people. I’m incredibly grateful to all of those involved in the organisation of this event for such a wonderful experience!
If you haven’t heard of Hopeless, Maine before please do follow the links and maybe you too will be drawn onto this island of fog, tentacles and weirdly glowing eyes!
Edited to add that the videos from this event are now available on YouTube hosted by SteamPaper’s channel “SteamMedia.”
Last month I took part in my first Witchtober, a variant of inktober. It’s not well past the end of the month and I wanted to finish the process off with a bit of reflection. My previous post on this subject explains how I got started and where the prompts I used came from.
Each day I managed to come up with some piece of art that reflected something of the prompts. Some days this was easier to do than others and as the month continued I grew more and more determined to complete the whole month. I didn’t have to complete it, there was no one I had made a deal with and nothing I would get for completing it but my own sense of accomplishment but still I grew increasingly determined as the month progressed.
Each day I had the opportunity to reflect on different images and ideas around witchcraft. I found that a very useful thing to do. I don’t consider myself to be a witch. I sometimes do things that fit under the heading of witchcraft but those things are not the main thrust of what I do. I am a polytheist druid and heathen and my practice revolves around two main strands; devotional activities for multiple deities and energy healing work (usually distance healing). So this month of activities around witches and witchcraft gave me a wonderful opportunity to reflect more deeply about what these things mean to me.
The other major benefit was in having a topic to try and produce art about each day. For most of my efforts during this month used coloured pencils or watercolour type paints but I also used modelling clay three times and wrote a poem for the Hedge Witch prompt. I didn’t have to try and come up with something I wanted to draw, paint or make, I just had to come up with a way of expressing the idea for that day. I really liked that. I’ve not done nearly as much art since I finished witchtober although part of that has been due to other things happening too. I’m looking into other prompt lists though as I enjoyed the process of having a prompt to think about and then express. I’d really love to have a similar set of prompts for druidry and heathenry as the process definitely helped me think more deeply. If any readers know of any such prompt lists or have ideas please do let me know!
Perhaps one aspect of inktober type projects that is most intended is that of developing your skills. The witchtober prompts pushed me to try things I probably wouldn’t have tried otherwise. I believe my art skills have developed as a result of that push. For example for one of the prompts, green witch, I drew hands with fingers in soil and used my own hands to try and get the right shape.
For another prompt, crone witch, I attempted a self portrait. I never would have considered doing that otherwise.
Hands and faces are hard! But I did it and although I can see that there is a lot of scope for further improvement I’m also pleasantly surprised at how well I managed.
I also tried to come up with things that were a bit different like my spirit witch and bat.
I’m really pleased and proud that I have completed my first witchtober. I’m grateful for the opportunities for thought, learning, and the sense of community I experienced because I was doing something that others were also doing. I’m also very grateful for all the supportive comments I received during this process.
Hopefully next year I will be able to join in with another witchtober!
Many of you will know about inktober where individuals are encouraged to draw something each day that fits a particular prompt. This year I’m joining in with a variant called Witchtober with prompts from @saffrussellart and @jacquilovesey. I’ve never done anything like this and I’ve had encouragement to give it a go from the ever wonderful Tom and Nimue Brown.
I’ve been posting most of my efforts so far on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook (mainly because my Instagram account is linked to my Facebook account). One effort, a poem has been posted on this blog. For me this has become a multi media art project as my efforts have now included poetry, modelling clay, paint and pencil.
I’m finding the process of doing this to be fascinating. I look at the prompts well before I try and do anything and I think about how I can express the theme. As the day progresses I get to see what others have done too and if I haven’t come up with an idea that sometimes sparks something.
The different prompts are making me think about different aspects of witchcraft and what it means to me. I like trying to come up with something a bit different if I can so it’s making me think deeply which is good. I’m also having fun creating a bit of art each day. I can see improvements in my skills too.
I’m very grateful for what I’m learning in taking part in this Witchtober.
Today is the second day of an attempt at a home based retreat. There are good aspects and not so good aspects about trying to do a retreat at home. You can set your own structure with a home based retreat. In the current circumstances of Covid-19 you don’t have to worry about social distancing while travelling or staying somewhere else if you do something on your own and at home. But it is much harder to leave the mundane aspects of your life behind when you stay at home and unless your family joins you in retreat activities you don’t have others to talk to during times of reflection. You also don’t have anyone else keeping you on track for activities.
I developed my own retreat structure which is a mix of devotional time, contemplation, mindful chores and exercise with time each day for reflection too. On the whole it’s working pretty well although there are aspects that I am finding need a bit of tweaking – I definitely wasn’t thinking clearly in putting exercise after lunch for example even with a light lunch. I have also greatly reduced my time on email and Facebook during this retreat and any reading I am doing is focussed around spiritual or religions matters.
I picked this week to try this as my kids are staying with their dad for a week which means my days are not punctuated with their day to day needs. Not that either of them are particularly needy during school holiday periods but there are some care requirements in an autistic family. Technically it’s only one at school now but the lad did try college this year and is now looking at modern apprenticeships. Anyway, I digress, suffice it to say it’s easier to immerse myself in spiritual matters without them here.
Luckily my other half, Neil, is also a druid as many readers will already know so although he hasn’t joined me in this retreat I have been able to talk to him about some aspects. We had an interesting conversation yesterday while walking round our local park. In it the idea of Druidry as an entity came up. This immediately brought to mind a passage I had read earlier that day in the book “Contemplative Druidry” by James Nichol in which Penny Billinton speaks briefly about the concept of egregores although Neil had come to the idea of druidry as an entity in a different way. I have been musing on the idea ever since.
Druidry as a being,
An egregore.
A child growing
Changing into…
Would Druid then become both the name of someone in a form of relationship, consciously or unconsciously, with “Druidry” and the name of the relationship itself? This could also help explain why it is so difficult to define “Druidry” as it is partially formed by those that have relationships to it. This also changes how I feel about being druid as it becomes my relationship, my connection to the entity “Druidry” and like any of my relationships that will always be unique because it is partly shaped by me, a unique being.
It’s been an interesting experimental home retreat so far and I have one more day to complete my intended aim of a three day home retreat.
“Brighid: Her Flame Burns Brightly” was an online conference organized and hosted by Land Sea Sky Travel as the first in a series of conferences. The series is called “A Year With The Gods” and they have plans for online conferences spaced through the year close to the more commonly recognized Pagan festivals.
As I have had a devotional relationship with Brigantia for many years I decided that trying to attend this online conference should be a good experience for me with the added benefit of devoting time to Her that day. I was however a bit nervous as I had not experienced this type of online conference before. I needn’t have worried.
The software used was Zoom which has a freely available client for a participant. The software has some good support information and I didn’t have any problems with downloading the client or testing my set up. The organisers of the conference were also available via email and Facebook with advice in the days before the conference.
As the conference organizers are based in the United Stated of America the timings of the conference were very understandable picked with the Sates in mind. Saying that the welcome pack emailed out before the event had a detailed schedule for the day including timings in three different time zones. I was both impressed and very pleased with this level of information and it made things much easier for me to organize. There were a number of nice extras sent out with the welcome pack too including a couple of short stories, a couple of chants and a couple of links to suppliers of relevant goods and services.
On to the day itself.
For me the conference started at 3.30 in the afternoon. Getting into the correct location was straightforward and everything seemed to be working very well. Our main host for the day, Vyviane Armstrong, provided clear information and repeated basic housekeeping type information throughout the day for those that joined at different times. Tech support was on hand through out the day too and while I was aware of some minor glitches happening problems were dealt with swiftly and efficiently with a good sense of humor kept throughout. I was very impressed with the entire organizational operation and I would expect that things will only improve as the series of conferences continues.
The opening devotions were carried out by Andrea Maxwell who sang a beautiful chant for us. The day was underway.
The first presenter was Lora O’Brien not someone I was familiar with although that’s true for a lot of people so please don’t take any particular meaning from that. Lora spoke about her experiences with Brighid and took up all on a guided journey to meet Brighid. Her voice was clear and very enjoyable to listen to, the journey was a delight. I particularly enjoyed the use of a boat as guide for part of the journey, this reminded me of many tales from both Scotland and Ireland. It also reminded me of the little boat in the Wizard of EarthSea quartet by Ursula Le Guin. Interestingly I had a name from my little boat, Wayfinder, and I hope I see it again in other journeys. I also found it interesting that where Lora described working areas in Brighid’s place that were slightly messy with works in progress I saw areas that had been tidied up, work finished for the day and things in their place for when they were next needed. I’m sure that says more about me than anything.
The next presenter was Gemma McGowan who spoke eloquently about her experiences serving Brighid as a priestess. Unfortunately I had to sort out my daughter’s tea during that talk so could only dip in and out. One of the advantage of this style of conference though is that the sessions are recorded and will be sent out to all the participants so although I missed some of Gemma’s talk at the time I will be able to listen to it again and pick a time when I am not going to be interrupted. I know she shared something of her experiences in seership and trance possession which is something I have a little experience of myself with a different Goddess so I am particularly looking forward to being able to properly listen to what Gemma shared during her talk.
The conference then had a short break and a giveaway draw. The break was also an interesting experience as participants had the option to turn on mics and videos for a little bit. It got a bit chaotic.
Following the break we had our Keynote speaker, Morgan Daimler. Morgan is a well known author and presenter and I was delighted that this conference would give me the opportunity to hear her speak. She confessed to being a bit nervous at the start of her talk as it was the first time she had presented at an online conference. I could see the nerves but I could also see her swiftly relax as she began to speak. Morgan spoke about her work with the original old Irish texts translating and digging for references of Brighid. While I was familiar with much of what she spoke about some information was either completely new to me or had simply not stuck when I read Morgan’s book on Brigid. In particular that the earliest mentions in the texts are of a single Goddess, the triple Brighid comes later in time. Also that the earliest form in the Irish texts was very likely to have been thought of as Brighid the Poet. That’s poet in the old Irish sense of an incredibly highly trained and skilled individual with a huge collection of lore, poems and stories stored within their memory. It was a very interesting talk.
Straight after that talk was a panel discussion. A range of questions were put to the presenters who shared their experiences and opinions. Participants were also encouraged to share responses in the chat room which remained pen throughout the conference.
After another break we heard from Mael Brigde who founded the flame tending group Daughters of the Flame in 1993. She shared with us the history of that group which I found fascinating and what a lovely piece of synchronicity that the Daughters of Flame lit their first flame tending candle on the very same day that the Brigidine sisters relit the sacred flame at Kildare. Neither group being aware of the other doing so at that time. Meal Brigde spoke beautifully about her experiences and both the history and practicalities of flame tending within the Daughters of the Flame. She also sang two chants for us, both simply lovely.
By the time Mael Brigde’s talk ended it was 11.30 in the evening for me and I was very tired so it was at that point that I quietly left the conference, shot down my laptop and went to bed. The conference itself went on with another presenter and I look forward to listening to her talk in the future when it is sent out to participants.
I really enjoyed my day taking part in this online conference. I was a little disappointed not to be able to hear more of how the speakers felt Brigantia fits into the assorted Brigidine lore as I connect best with Brigantia. I was also a little disappointed not to hear from any male presenters during the day. There were male participants but a male perspective in the conference did seem a little lacking to me. These however are minor points. No conference pleases everyone all the time.
Over all I felt this conference was exceptionally well run with some wonderfully chosen speakers. I am very pleased I made the decision to attend this first conference in the series. I am not sure how many of the others I might attend but I can see at least two that interest me from just the titles.
I know from experience of running face to face conferences in the past what a great deal of work goes into conference organization. My heartfelt thanks and congratulations go to all those involved in the planning and organizing of this very well run and presented conference.
Further details of the plans for the future conferences will be available on the Land Sea Sky Facebook page
A new friend on Facebook recently asked what people were proud about from the past year and that got me thinking about the past year a bit more resulting in this post.
The first half of 2017 was quiet on this blog because I had signed up for a an online course in counselling skills. I completed and passed that course and at the time I investigated the possibility of gaining further qualifications in counselling skills. After much thought and investigation into options and costs I decided it is not the right time for me to commit to trying to gain further qualifications. I am however prud of having completed the course successfully and gaining new knowledge and confidence.
In the last year my devotional practices have continued to develop and deepen. I’m now beginning to settle into a devotional practice where I am spending some time in prayer and contemplation on six days of the week. In the last year as well as relaxing into my relationship with Loki I’ve also started developing a devotional relationship with Gofannon. It’s almost two years since Loki started making his presence felt in my life so both of these deities are still relatively new to me. I also continue to be a flame tender with Clann Bhride, a practice I began on Imbolc 2015.
I’ve now been involved in volunteering with the Riding for the Disabled Glasgow group for just over a year. I’ve learnt so much since I started there and I’m still learning more including finally having riding lessons myself. I’ve wanted to learn how to ride horses for as log as I can remember and this year I have been able to begin that journey and it’s just wonderful! I literally cried tears of joy after my first couple of lessons, that’s how much it means to me.
This time last year I had completed counselling sessions to help me with managing my social anxiety and had also just come off medication for anxiety and depression. I have remained off medication this year and have not had a relapse. I still get the occasional anxiety attack with social situations and have had a couple of more severe panic attacks too this year but I am still improving. I have managed social situations this year that I could not have done last year. I am proud of my progress.
My daughter had been attending dance lessons with Indepen-dance for a full year now. She’s absolutely loved these lessons so I know this will be continuing for the coming year. My daughter has also joined her school choir this year and has experienced her first performance with the choir outside the school as part of a carol service. She also had a solo to sing during that carol service. I am extremely proud of how well she did, not only with her singing but also with her behaviour during the service. Sitting quiet and still is not an easy thing for my sensory seeking, bouncy Aspigirl. So proud of my girl!
This year my son completed his Bronze Duke of Edinburgh Award. To complete this award he had to do some voluntary work, develop a new skill, do some physical activity and complete an overnight camping expedition with the group from his school taking part in the Duke of Edinburgh award activities. His physical activity was hillwalking, his new skill was pyrography and the voluntary work was organised by the school and took place at an allotment. I am incredibly proud of his achievement!
Last year (2016) I went through the assessment process for adult autism diagnosis. I didn’t meet diagnostic criteria. Perhaps part of the reason for this was that at the time I went through the process I was also suffering badly from stress and anxiety. Needless to say I didn’t agree with their conclusions at the time and I still don’t agree. It’s still something that irritates. I have been peer recognised as autistic by a number of autistic adults as well as by my wonderful kids and that recognition means a great deal to me. I am immensely proud of being neurodivergent and probably autistic. I still hesitate over calling myself autistic because I didn’t meet the diagnostic criteria during my assessment. I know many within the autistic community are perfectly fine with self diagnosis and if I had never attended and failed the assessment I’d be happy with self diagnosis too. Failing the assessment makes me doubt myself and means I often don’t feel comfortable in saying I’m autistic without adding the story of not meeting diagnostic criteria. Anyway, this year I have becoming more aware and more confident of myself as neurodivergent. If you are unfamiliar with neurodiversity as a concept here’s a good staring piece on the neurodiversity paradigm
My other area of achievement this year is still very much a work in progress. I have begun writing a book about being a polytheist. It will have a great deal in it about my own practices. My tentative working title at the moment is “Life as a British Polytheist”.
To all my readers on this last day of 2017 I hope you take pride in your achievements whatever they may be and I wish you a very happy 2018!
Call it what you will Samhain, Halloween or Nos Calan Gaeaf that time has come and here in Glasgow I feel the winter approaching. There’s still time to jump in piles of leaves if you can find any that haven’t been soaked in rain but the year is shifting.
I like this time of year. I know for some the increasing dark brings a range of problems and they dread it. Most of the time I like it. I don’t like hot days and I struggle in bright sunshine as being in the brightness gradually hurts my eyes and can give me headaches if I’m not careful. But the dark is gentler for me. I’m fortunate enough to be able to keep warm and dry, to listen to the wind and rain outside and enjoy it most of the time.
This time of year for me is also about family celebrations so that’s another level of warmth I can bask in. Not just the winter solstice, Yule and New Year activities but birthdays too. Family birthday celebrations are not usually very big gatherings so I don’t have to brace myself for increasingly large social gatherings. I’m happy with that. I’m happy in my understanding of why I struggle with larger social activities. I’ll happily sit down and have a cuppa with one or two friends in a quiet place though.
For me darkness is comforting. If it’s clear at night I can see the wonder of the stars, it’s very rare that we are in complete darkness. And the dark night of the soul or the dark gods and goddesses? Without darkness how do we appreciate light? I’m not saying these things are easy but they can be embraced. And we can learn from the things in the darkness too.
If you struggle with darkness you are not alone. Neither are you alone if you welcome the dark.
I wrote the core of this in a Facebook post earlier this week. I’ve decided to add to what I wrote there for a post here.
Tuesdays are now my busiest days, I plan for the tiredness that follows by usually having fairly quiet days on Mondays and Wednesdays. Tuesdays are busy because of things I choose to do so I am not complaining just noting for background to this post that they are busy.
Last Tuesday though I also got hit by nebulous anxiety and wobbly emotions. Part of my difficulties could have been caused by one of the cats staying out until 1am Monday morning. It was very unlike her so I worried and had trouble settling to sleep. Eventually I chose to check at the back door just one more time at 1am and there she was at the door! I settled to sleep fairly quickly after that knowing she was safe and sound. Part of the difficulties could also be worrying about my lad going out on an overnight camping trip with a group from school. Camping for the inexperienced is challenging and this trip included a fair amount of walking too as it was a practice for a Duke of Edinburgh Award overnight expedition (I think that’s the Bronze level). I worried about how this was going all that day and the next until I saw him again and heard that it had gone reasonably well.
Part of my problems on Tuesday could have been hormonal, although I don’t usually get the emotional surges at that stage in my cycle, anything is possible though.
All I really know is that I struggled emotionally on and off all day. I carried on with my usual Tuesday activities which include some hours of voluntary work at a Riding for the Disabled Association stables in Glasgow. Usually after a bit of time at the stables whatever emotional state I might have been in when I arrived is soothed with the presence of horses and in the feelings of being useful. Not on this occasion. I cried; at the stables; in front of people! Fortunately I held it together during the lessons where I was leading horses but between one lesson and another I cracked. Those that saw me were lovely about it by the way, tea was applied and soothing company. I was asked if I wanted to be alone but I wasn’t really sure so someone stayed with me for a while. After a bit I calmed down enough to feel able to help out in another lesson side walking this time before leaving to collect my daughter from school.
I remained a bit mentally and emotionally wobbly throughout the rest of the day but didn’t break down again in the same way. I struggled through.
This is me as well in terms of my mental health as I’ve been for a very long time. I still get odd times like this. Fortunately at the last appointment I had with psychologist she said that there might still be times when I struggled. This wouldn’t necessarily mean it was a relapse as the journey to improved mental health is not usually a smooth one, it may just mean a wobble, a temporary dip that I would be able to move beyond myself without seeking further assistance. In this case I feel that is exactly what this was, a temporary dip in the journey rather than the beginnings of a relapse.
Many of my friends struggle with mental health on a daily basis. The type of experience I have shared here is the tip of the unseen iceburg of mental health. It’s hard to talk about situations like these, hard to experience. It is even harder trying to explain this type of thing to someone who has never experienced levels of anxiety, stress or depression that have affected their health to the stage of needing medication, counselling or both either long or short term.
And so I’m writing this for those who can’t find the words to explain. I get it. I have struggled with finding the words, I still do.
I’m writing this for me, something I can look back on and say this is where I was then. A year after a period of my life where I was on medication, having nasty anxiety attacks and beginning counselling. This is a major improvement and this is a part of who I am and I am proud of who I am!
I’m also writing this for those that haven’t had these experiences. Here’s a window to peek through.
Musings of a Scottish Hearth Druid and Heathen 