In my last post Expectations and feedback I wrote about how I had reached a wall built of expectations of myself concerned with service and commitment on my path as a Pagan. I shared this post on the members site of the Druid Network and I have had a great deal of helpful feedback both here and on the Druid Network members site. Although I’ve been busy with family this last week I’ve also had time to think about this wall of my making and the feedback I have received.
I’ve managed to make a breakthrough. Part of it came yesterday when I realized that I would never question anyone about their choice to call themselves a Druid, never suggest that they were somehow less worthy than someone else regardless of what they did, so why do I question myself in this way?
Part of the breakthrough came when I found my Druid certificate from the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids which was granted to me in March 2004 while looking for other things. I’d never really felt comfortable with putting it up for some reason and it’s been hidden for a long while. It’s a beautiful certificate and yesterday for the first time it went up on the wall in a frame. I’m laying claim to that aspect of my past again.
In my past I helped to facilitate a druid group now faded into the mists called Caer Clud. I co-organised a series of conferences for those in the druid path that took place in Glasgow. I’ve held council positions in the Scottish Pagan Federation and I’ve been a legally recognized celebrant. One by one I have moved on from these things as it became apparent that I needed to either because local interests changed or because I lacked the time and energy to continue the commitment as my family commitments grew. I am proud of what I achieved during those years. I was a visible face of Druidry in Scotland during those years but that time is past.
Sometimes in life, we develop the tendency to compartmentalize the different facets of our lives, separating out work from home and family, and our spirituality from both areas, but that is not really the best way to live. Sometimes we do this as a form of self-defence, a way of keeping situations felt in one area of life from swamping other areas. I’ve been thinking my Druidry needed somehow to be separate from the other areas of my life and of course it shouldn’t be, my Druidry should be woven into all aspects of my life. My commitments, my services do not have to be separate to the rest of my life. It’s taken me a while to properly realize and accept this deep down.
My strongest commitments are now to my family. I’ve cut back on my work hours recently to be more readily available to support my children. My children are, and will remain for several years, the most important commitments in my life. I also have commitments to and with other members of my family, to my employer and work colleagues and to myself. My main aspect of service now is being the best mother I can be and that means a constant learning and development process as I learn more and more about the best ways I can support my wonderful children. For example, I’m currently learning much more about the various sensory issues affecting my children. I’ve recently learnt that scents can have a much more profound affect on my son that I had previously realized.
In short my primary focus now is hearth and home. It’s probably going to remain that way for several years.
I am a Hearth Druid.