As a self named Hearth Druid I write about what is close to my heart. Sometimes that’s a long thought out sharing of part of my spiritual life, sometimes I blurt. This post is a blurt.
My truth isn’t yours, your truth can never be mine but we can talk about our truths, share them and hope that in sharing something of what we share will help someone else. Those who know me will be aware I have been having a lot of problems with stress and anxiety over the last few months. I’m doing much better with that at the moment but I have a secret and I don’t want to hold it in, I want to blurt it out. I know some won’t believe it but others will. The more logical part of me will say it doesn’t matter what you believe, the more emotional part of me wants to be listened to and accepted for what I believe I may be.
Enough of the mystery already. So here goes. I think I am on the autistic spectrum. This isn’t a sudden thing, it’s been something I’ve been wondering about for a while and the more I have watched my daughter (identified as Aspergers) develop the more I recognise myself in her. I didn’t have this type of recognition with my son (also identified as autistic). Both my kids are bright, both are on what is described as the high functioning end of autism. Now I am in the process of looking at my own past through different eyes and so much is making better sense now. I am now on a waiting list for an adult autism assessment. In the meantime I have spoken to a small number of women also identified late in life as autistic and they have all been very helpful to me. One has known me for several years, one for a couple of years and one is a new developing friendship. All of them have recognised within me what I have come to see for myself and the affirmation that has given me is wonderful.
I’ve also been able to talk to my beloved partner about this openly and frankly. I first mentioned the idea of me possibly being on the spectrum to him a couple of years ago and at that stage he’d not long moved in with us and he didn’t think it was likely then. Now, after living with us for a couple of years and seeing us all in varying moods and situations when I mentioned it to him again a couple of months ago he said he thought it was likely.
Some people will say that everyone has a few autistic traits and that is true but it’s not individual traits that give an identification of autism it’s a pattern of traits. That pattern can be obvious or subtle but it’s a pattern that means the individual has long term, ongoing challenges with social communication and almost always some more extreme sensory issues. The pattern has to fulfill certain diagnostic criteria for a formal diagnosis. I believe my pattern does that but my journey of identification is still ongoing.
Why am I sharing this? Why blurt it out? Because at some level I feel the need to do this. I don’t want to hide my thoughts and feelings about this in a closet. I want to be out there, misunderstood maybe but living my truth openly and with pride. I’m not good at keeping things that are so important to me secret, I want to talk about them, write about them, share them. It’s part of who I am and I’ve always done it. I’ve always shared things with complete strangers that others give me funny looks about but that’s me. That’s my truth and I feel better for blurting it out. And blurting it out again, and again and again.
Oh and swaying and rocking are soothing to me so don’t be surprised if you see me doing it more often. And I’m a tactile person with a need for deep pressure contact – that means I love hugs. I try to be aware that others don’t like them for varying reasons though.