Grief

People ask me how I am and I don’t know how to reply.  “I’m ok” I say or “I’m managing” but I’m not really.  I go through the motions of living, sometimes I even laugh and have fun but I cry almost every day too. If people could see this pain it would look like wounds deep and bleeding, like my skin was mottled with bruises but they can’t see it. My chest hurts but it’s not a physical pain really, just loss, just grief. Just…

A couple of days ago I broke down. I wailed and moaned. I slapped my legs, scratched my face, my arms, pulled my hair banged my head against a cupboard door. Meltdown.

The marks faded on the outside.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  This is us getting ready for my wedding two years ago.

 

I miss you so much mum, so much!

Author: potiapitchford

Autistic mother with autistic kids. Hearth Druid and Heathen

2 thoughts on “Grief”

  1. I am so sorry to read of your grief induced meltdown. Please remember to be gentle with yourself. Your emotions are raw still. Don’t pretend you are better than you are. It’s okay to say it still hurts like hell and some days I really can’t cope. Those of us to care about you will want you to be honest. We will hold you gently in our thoughts or arms, ask you to talk to us, to remember, to laugh and weep in turn as you do so. On the other hand the wider society wants a person in mourning, enduring the grief of a significant loss to buck up and get on with it. This is not healthy or helpful. It’s okay to feel vulnerable. The loss of you mum is a deep wound to your heart and soul. Go gently onward my friend. Reach out when you need to. You are not alone. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Potia, I wish I could hold some of that pain for you. I am sending you so much love. Your honesty here is a gift to so many people who have struggled with their grief and been told to hide it. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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