I have so many thoughts running around my head. So many ideas chasing each other about like screaming kids in a busy playground. I think I get hold of one and then it slips from my grasp, another thought totally unrelated to the first jumps to the front and then dashes off again. How do I pin these things down?
I don’t.
This is my mind. This is how I am, jumping from one idea to the next.
I’m a Druid and a self confessed tree hugger. I’m a polytheist. Today is Friday. Hail Epona! I miss the stables. Will I have time to sort out the volunteer voices section on their website once we start back after the spring break. How am I going to keep my head together while the kids are off. Rowan is studying pretty well, so proud of him! The hair dye worked well on Rose’s hair, have you ever seen such bright yellow hair?
Breathe.
Pause.
This is who I am. Writing forces me to slow my thoughts down, to hold onto one idea more carefully while the others continue to run round.
Am I the only one that does this?
How do I connect with others with all this running round?
I don’t.
They said I could get better. That I didn’t meet diagnostic criteria! That I would be able to improve how I am around others. This is who I am. I have learnt new ways to manage the social anxiety but…
Did you know April is also PMDD awareness month? I wonder how many other things are in April?
PMDD – “Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS)”
Severe – do you know what that means? It means thoughts of suicide. Lashing out with uncontrolled rage. Here look it up: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd
My cats are eating, the smell of the food is crawling up my nose!
I… I… I… Who am I now? What am I? Do I meet your expectations? I need to know I am doing ok? I need to meet someone’s expectations.
I flick my nail against my finger, it makes a an odd scraping sound, sometimes I dig the nail in, relishing that sensation of sharp pressure.
It’s raining outside. The rain drums on the conservatory roof. I love that sound. I find it soothing and relaxing. My mind slows a little more.
I have another week of school holidays to go and then I can get back to my routines.
First there is the Druid Network AGM. It’s not as formal as most AGMs and has a fair bit of socialising but last time I took the minutes and I get to do it this time too. That helps me. I have a job then, a purpose. I need purpose in my life.
Shall I post this? Do you need to see this? What I’m really like?
Autism Acceptance. This is who I am.
Heart in my mouth I hit publish.
Musings of a Scottish Hearth Druid and Heathen 
Publish – to hit the button or not . . I certainly know that feeling.
Writing – letting it out, letting it go. Catharsis. When on is a writer, then there are times when one must write. Speak the heart’s truth. Articulate the body’s pain. Set forth the mind’s anguish. Authenticity comes with a price, revealing aspects of the self. But what can you be but authentically who you are. You are much more than who you write, or what you write about. Words a windows on the soul. They are portals for the spirit. They are a way to releave the pressure of too much, too many, too hard, too noisy, too quiet. Thank you for sharing this post, for the courage it took to dare to write the words, and then the greater courage and trust to let them go for others to read.
I look forward to seeing you at the AGM. xx
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Thank you.
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I’m glad you hit the button and gave people the chance to appreciate the whirl of your thoughts – both authentic and poetic. I particularly liked the image of ‘ideas chasing each other about like screaming kids in a busy playground’ and your evocation of the smell of food crawling up your nose. Sometimes it’s better not to censor and let those unruly kids run free!
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Always be proud of who you are.
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