Letter to my Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I miss you! We didn’t always get along well but in the last few days I’ve found myself wondering what you would make of the choices I have had to make in my life in the last year.  I know you would be proud of the way I lost weight and have kept nearly all of it off for over a year now.  I didn’t start lossing the wieght until after you had died though. 

Today would have been your birthday.  Is that why you have been in my thoughts so much?  Or is it just I wish I had some of your strength?  I see you in my mind, younger and fitter than you were at the end, dressed up, wearing lovely jewellry and out dancing. I never saw you dancing but I know you loved it when you were younger and that you used to watch Strictly Come Dancing and then talk to mum on the phone afterwards about it.

Grandma, I’m finding things hard to cope with at the moment.  It’s not wrong to want a little happiness for yourself is it?  You didn’t seem to think so.  You fought for what you wanted, sometimes it seemed as if you didn’t mind trampling on others as long as you got what you wanted.  I fight but I’m often questioning if I’m doing the right things, making the right choices.  I think I am but it’s hard to know sometimes.  I think I could do with a little of your single minded certainty.

Four years ago today was also my daughter’s naming ceremony.  You couldn’t be there but you were so pleased we’d picked your birthday for it.  Your youngest great-granddaughter is growing up fast.  She’s got the family tendancy for performing.  Mum oftens says she reminds her of the things I did as a child of that age.  Singing, dancing and performing.  I don’t think I was ever bothered about hats and shoes though. And I’m pretty sure I couldn’t speak any Spanish at all at that age, I can hardly speck any now!  Rose knows quite a bit thanks to her favourite TV programmes. Rose also loves getting new clothes and new shoes and dressing up to look nice.  Shades of you there I think 🙂

Rowan is growing so tall now.  He’d be a bit taller than you now I think.  He sometimes looks at the photo I have of you and granddad and says he misses you.  He didn’t know you that well but he remembers.  You’d be so proud of them both.  I am.

I hope you’re happy now grandma.  I hope you have your sight back fully and your fitness.  Do you get to go shopping in the summerlands I wonder?  Wouldn’t be much of a heaven for you if you couldn’t shop for bargains sometimes would it?

I love you grandma and I miss you.  I love and miss granddad too and I hope he’s enjoying double ham, eggs and chips followed by pudding with custard as often as he wants now, while listening to some lovely organ music of course.

Lots of Love,
Pauline.  xxx

Author: potiapitchford

Autistic mother with autistic kids. Hearth Druid and Heathen

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