Today and indeed for the last couple of days really for no readily apparent reason I am feeling miserable. It probably doesn’t help that the weather is grey, wet and a bit cooler than it has been. I’m not particularly short on sleep so I can’t put it down to that and I’m not at a point in my cycle where I can put it down to PMT.
Right now these feelings are peaking. As I sit here writing this I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. So I’m writing to try and work my way though some of this and find a bit of balance again.
The other day my brother asked me if I had any thoughts of what I’d like to do for my fortieth birthday this November. While it was nice of him to ask the answer is no, not really. I will probably be at work as I don’t think I will have any spare days to take the day off. I’m not a party person so a big piss up style of party is definitley not my thing. A meal out with family might be nice but my brother and mum aren’t talking to each other, haven’t been for well over a year now and I can’t really see that changing. I suppose I could try and go out the weekend before (the day itself is a Monday) but I’m really not sure as sleeping in with children in the house doesn’t really happen. So I guess that’s part of the misery feelings.
I miss feeling sexy. Now here’s a frightening confession for you I read crappy romance books for escapism and because they are short and easy to read I have been known to read two or three a day when I get them out of the library. I don’t buy the things. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband and children but life is not romantic or even particulary sexy. I can’t remember the last time I had a mild flirtation with a man let alone felt honest to goodness uncomplicated lust for one and thought he might feel something similar for me. I’ve had fantasies of course – what woman hasn’t? But the men in them are either totally imaginary or men that I know and probably wouldn’t look at me with lust in their thoughts for a second. I’m not exagerating here as among others I have fantasised about some of the gay men I know and while they might be dear freinds I doubt that I stir any thoughts of lust in them. In reality I can’t remember when I last felt wickedly flirtatious and I miss it.
And I miss certain people that I haven’t seen for a long time or heard from properly. In at least one case I feel there is something left unresolved but I don’t know how to move past that feeling. I’m pretty sure it’s a one sided feeling too so I’m hesitant to try and contact her for a chat. Her life has gone through some changes and she’s really busy with work and her family. In many ways we aren’t really that close but she was with me during a very intense experience and she supported me. I feel a stronger tie to her than I did and I can’t seem to get past that without her input. It’s stupid but there you are. I worry that I have said something in the past about some of this that makes her want to distance herself from me. Recently I bumped into her briefly online and it brought everything to the foreground again for me.
I’d like to have someone I could talk to about all of this stuff and know it wasn’t going to upset them, that they didn’t need me to be the strong one. I’d like to open up about things and not worry about having it possibly getting back to those involved in ways that could hurt and upset them. But there isn’t anyone at the moment so I’m typing stuff out here, trying to keep it vague and and feeling sorry for myself.
And I should count my blessings, not moan about the stupid things that are getting me down. I’m so lucky compared to some people I know. I have my health and family, a secure job and a good home but I feel miserable anyway.
So has doing this helped me feel any better. Not much but it has given me a chance to let some of it out a bit. I still feel crappy but that’s life sometimes. I’ll move past it eventually. At least I’m at work, in an office of my own and not likely to be needed to show a calm and in control face for a while.
Postscript: Not long after writinig the above I went for a swim, got angry with myself and channeled that into my exercise. I feel less unsettled now and have edited the above a bit to weed out the worst of the whiney elements. The rest I will leave as I’ve already had a comment on it.